I'm sure everyone is well aware how stressful and anxiety ridden this semester has been. For myself personally, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I work at a nursing home in town, so when this all broke out I had to evaluate what was more important- exposing myself as a high risk individual, or taking a leave from my job and being broke, jobless, and unable to pay rent. The latter wasn't a viable option. There were so many points in this semester where I wanted to stop and give up, throw away all my classes and just lock myself in my house forever. Especially when my facility finally became exposed to COVID-19. It was hard to cope with all of this, I had only my partner to rely on. At some point me and my partner started to go for walks to clear our heads. There's something centering about acknowledging the smaller parts of the world around you. As I started to take photos, I was able to zoom in and recognize the smaller worlds that ...
The best way for me to describe what life has been these last few months is everything seems somewhat intangible right now, like we’re caught in limbo. I’ve said it before, but it still rings true even as I’ve begun to adjust. This time has given me the opportunity to really reflect on myself and how I process the world around me. I’ve learned how deeply I really feel, and how painful that can be at times. I find myself overwhelmed by the gravity of what’s happening, how it’s changing us each day, better or for worse. But beyond the noise of COVID-19, I’ve also been reevaluating certain relationships in my own life, and trying to grapple with how they’ve changed. I don’t mean to sound like it’s been all gloom and doom, because it hasn’t. Lots of days I’m unbelievably grateful for the life I’ve been given, and there’s so much hope to be seen despite the challenges.
ReplyDeleteFinding the motivation to make work has definitely been a struggle. Everyone says to be gentle on yourself, but honestly I know I could have accomplished more than I have. Before all this I had planned to shoot more people, work on my writing, and finish my photobook from last semester. I also miss film but now I’m more excited than ever to shoot like crazy with it over the summer. However, digital has allowed me to experiment in ways I didn’t feel comfortable with film, and that’s been fun.
Of the work I made this semester, my self portraits are what I feel are the best. “Learning to love your prison” was a challenge at first, as I felt so constrained by the walls of my apartment. However, this forced me to take a deep look into myself as a subject, and my own mental health. I decided to do self portraits, but began to ask how could I photograph myself without first acknowledging the state I found myself in? Throughout this whole experience, I’ve spent more time in my own head than anywhere else, and this was my driving focus when making my self portraits. They’re not what I planned for the semester, and maybe they’re crap (feel free to tell me if they are!). But I felt I had to release all these emotions I was feeling somehow, to make them tangible, and look them in the eye. At the end of the day, I wish I could have overcome my own feelings and done more work this semester, but I’m glad I was able to try something new and go outside of my comfort zone as well.